Transformation and the Spring Equinox

It marks the day I fried my hair with hair dye. And when I say “fried” I mean… really…smoke coming off my head and what used to be a chunk of my hair turning to ashes and falling into the sink! As my scalp burned for the two weeks that followed I made the decision to just let go. I felt strongly that the universe had spoken and it was time to let go of this practice that was no longer serving me. I was terrified, if I’m honest. It was time to face the fact that too much of my identity was wrapped up in my appearance. I know this is superficial but it was actually quite symbolic for me and marks the true beginning of this transformation I find myself in.

Soon after the tragic hair dye experience, I suffered my first of what would be many severe flare ups of a herniated disc in my lumbar spine. For weeks and months at a time I was not able to get on my mat. I was in constant pain no matter what I did and many activities I have loved and taken for granted were no longer an option. I couldn’t sit at work without pain. I couldn’t hike in the woods or do yoga. All of my routines and ways I take care of myself came to a screeching halt and I feared I would never be able to do these things again. This loss of function along with the drastic sudden changes in my appearance caused a significant amount of grief as I grappled with aging in a serious way. Did I mention, all of this happened as my 40’s were coming to an end (my favorite decade so far) and my 50th birthday loomed ahead?!

The truth is I have prided myself on my appearance and my youth for years. So much of my identity has been wrapped up in being fit and honestly also in MY HAIR. (I know I am not the only one.) Everything deep inside me was telling me it was time to let it go. An equally big part of me fought it, as I feared “letting go” meant “letting MYSELF go.” I have come to determine this is not what it means at all. Quite the opposite in fact!

In the midst of all of this physical change, I began a training that looked interesting. After all, I needed the CEU’s and we were still locked down. I had the time. It was a “Yoga for Mental Health Professionals” training and although I did not realize it at the time, it would change everything. I began to dive deeper into my yoga practice and explore how I could share it with others. I began letting go of products and practices that were no longer serving me or were even harmful to me. And I began a search for new practices that were nourishing like breathwork, meditation and allowing myself more stillness and rest. The more I dove into learning about these things, the more I wanted to share them with others. Slowly the tiniest spark began to burn brighter and my idea for Yoga & Psychology was born! Once the idea began it was like a train that could not be stopped.

When I completed my Yoga for Mental Health training I immediately enrolled in my 200 hour Yoga Teacher training. At the time I did not know what exactly I was going to do with all of this but I just kept trusting the process. Every time I was gripped with fear and self doubt, I just took a breath and kept going.

As I embarked on the first day of spring in 2021, I enrolled in my 300 hour Yoga Teacher Training. I feel like a caterpillar still in a cocoon, not yet spreading its wings fully. My training is not complete, my hair is still half silver and half died brown and I am still creating content for my website. I can’t wait to see where this year takes me. For now I am holding myself accountable for letting go of things that no longer serve me so that I have the energy and space for new and exciting ventures. Here is my list… What is on yours?

Try my butterfly meditation as we consider how butterflies transform with seemingly no self-doubt at all.
BUTTERFLY MEDITATION