There are No Words for Grief

I wrote this one day after a deep meditation. The idea of the meditation is to cultivate self love by connecting with your deepest self. It consists of staring into your own eyes for five minutes. When I began, I was uncomfortable and had thoughts like, “Wow Tiffany, you are looking old!” As the clock ticked on, I began to see myself at younger and younger ages. First the sassy teen, then the little girl with long brown pigtails looking out the window into the woods behind my childhood home. Then, as I gazed into my own eyes, my face became my mother’s, as she gazed down at my infant self in her arms. And finally, I was simply a ball of light floating through the woods. It might sound weird, but there was an immense sense of peace as I became a light in my forever home…the forest. There was a knowing that this is where I came from and where I would one day return.

It comforts me in the face of grief and loss. It comforts me as I face my own mortality.

Another such moment that gives me so much peace regarding grief came from my youngest son when he was only four years old. I won’t tell his whole story here because it is a long story, but suffice it to say that he had a traumatic birth and there were about 18 minutes where doctors worked hard to revive him. He was given excellent cutting edge treatments that saved his life and he is a happy and healthy 12 year old today. One night when he was four years old, as I tucked him into bed, he asked me,

“What does it look like when you die?”

I was a little shocked at the question, but as a trained therapist, I simply asked,

“I’m not sure, why do you ask?”

He said, “Because I saw Jesus and he was alive! He held my hand all the way to heaven.” He stood up on his bed, his small pajamaed self with legs strong and hands down to his side and said again, “Mommy, he was alive and he looked like this.”

I share these stories here in hopes that they will bring others comfort. There has been so much grief and loss in our world, especially in the past year. I sit with so many people day after day as they learn to cope and process their grief.

My heart is with each and every person who has lost someone.

So often as a society, we don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving. My clients tell me all the time the platitudes that well intentioned people say but that are not comforting. The truth is there are no words for grief. There is only allowing it to take its course, sitting with the emotions and finding some way to comfort ourselves in the process. Time will lessen the burden of grief.

In the meantime, practicing self compassion and self care can go a long way to finding moments of peace. Tune in and honor what you are needing.

Over and over again, I hear those grieving say,

“I just need the world to pause so I can process all of this.”

In other cultures and even in our own historical times, it was expected that those grieving would mourn for “a year and a day.” It was expected and honored by those in their communities. Now we very quickly rush back to work. Very quickly we want our grieving friends and family to just be okay as we all try to move on. But the human spirit needs time to heal.

I am posting a gentle yoga practice to help you find comfort. Give yourself permission to take a child’s pose at anytime throughout the practice. If you stay in child’s pose the entire practice that could be a very powerful practice. That said, moving your body in a gentle and compassionate way can move stagnate emotion and help bring some peace.

Above all else, give yourself time and space to heal. Trust your inner voice to guide you with what you are needing.